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How well do you know the laws? - check out your knowledge here
A weekly look at refereeing issues - http://www.football365.com/referee365
More Teasers for you in You Are The Ref
Graham Poll Writes in the Daily Mail
Video Analysis
http://www.forzatv.net (Glentoran)
http://bangorfc.tv/ (Bangor - funny enough)
(Warning - Some Videos may include "industrial" language)
A is for Assistants
Where would a ref be without his trusty assistants, or to give them their
full title 'linesmen-or-assistant-referees-as-we-are-now-supposed-to-call-them'?
Patrollers of the last line of the defence, guardians of the flag, and
subject of an ongoing study by supporters the length and breadth of the
country into how said flag can be inserted into a certain orifice.
Sideways.
...and also for Active (see also P for Passive)
An idiom created within football in the past few years, pertaining specifically
to the interpretations of the offside law - perhaps because 'interfering
with play' sounded like an illegal act on a retail website. A buzzword
which is more vague than a teenager asked by their parents what they did
at school today. ("You know? Like, stuff and that. Things.")
...and Advantage
Used by a referee to allow the game to flow rather than stopping every 12
seconds, the advantage rule is a more positive introduction to the game
- except of course that the ball always rolls to your worst player, who
gives the ball away straight away, rending the advantage more redundant
than Eggert Magnusson's hairdresser.
B is for Blatter
And for the Board of FIFA, who love to find ways of justifying their existence
by making nonsensical changes to the laws of the most popular game in the
world by miles. Except for July/August 2006, when the new game of 'Vilify
the Swede' enjoyed a brief spell on top. Blatter has recently been described
in this rather eloquent way: "Sepp Blatter: you are an idiot. Put the
rules back to what they should be. He is a complete lunatic." Nicely
summed up by (who else) PhD in Lunacy and Plymouth Argyle boss Ian Holloway.
...and also for Board
The device used by a fourth official to indicate the minimum number of minutes
remaining in the half. Contains a hypnotic charge which makes all fans
say the number shown.
...and
for B**tard
More specifically Segar Richard Bastard, referee of the 1878 cup final, who
may well be the only person to have refereed an England game...then played
for them. Go on, stick his name in Wikipedia, you know you're dying to.
C is for Cheat
The quickest way to hurt, offend, anger or evoke all of the aforementioned
emotions is to use the five-letter word above. Referees would rather be called
useless, have their parentage questioned (however, they might think you are
referring to the referee of the 1878 cup final) or have to share a dressing
room with Robbie Savage, than be called a cheat. Remember, he might be hopeless,
but be careful about using this word. Referees have feelings too. Well Steve
Bennett doesn't, but he's a cyborg so he doesn't count.
...and also for Celebrity
What referees think they are...and what they never should be. I don't care
what anybody says, Graham Poll was possibly the best referee in England
a few years ago - until he thought he was as big an attraction as the players.
Can you imagine that discussion?
"Fancy going to
see City on Saturday?"
" Who they playing?"
" Rovers."
" Nah, sounds crap, don't think I'll bother."
" Graham Poll's the ref."
" Oh in that case, get me a ticket will you..."
...and Card
Of the red and yellow variety, and not the type that Mike Riley is unlikely
to receive from Sam Alladyce (i.e. a Christmas card). Cards are used to
convey to everyone else in the ground that the referee has cautioned a
player or ordered him of the field. These were first invented by refereeing
guru Ken Aston (see also T for Traffic Lights) who later formed a football
nostalgia company with ex-Spurs player Ricky Villa. They called it Ken & Ricky's.
D is for Directive
This is what FIFA issue when they realise something they have written means
sod all to anyone except Sepp Blatter, Sepp Blatter's wife, Sepp Blatter's
PA and Stephen Fry, who knows everything about anything. It is also, by sheer
coincidence, how Lester Piggott pronounces the word Digestive.
...and also for Duties
As in Powers and Duties of the official. The referee is not only responsible
for enforcing the laws of the game, but also, amongst other things, timekeeping,
the equipment used and the safety of all players and those involved in
the game. A little-known duty also requires referees to run backwards very
camply at least once a game.
...and for Diving
See S for Simulation.
E is for Equipment
All referees need to carry the basic equipment - whistle, cards, pencil,
notepad, two watches, coin, flak jacket, hard hat, earplugs, slight sense
of superiority...
...and also for Elite
The Premier League have a list of 19 referees and 38 Assistant Referees who
are on their elite list. I have no problem with this, except that the world
could do without the words 'Elite' and 'Bennett' being mentioned in the
same breath.
F is for Fourth Official
Ah, the manager's best friend. If it wasn't for this vital role, who would
stop managers stepping 12cm over a dotted white line, and who would hold
up a board with a number on? It would be anarchy.
...and also for Ferguson
A helping hand for the above Fourth Official comes from Mr A Ferguson of
Trafford, Manchester, who very kindly keeps an eye on the time for them.
What a nice man.
G is for Goal
The referee, with the help of his assistants, will give a goal whenever the
whole ball goes over the line. Every time. Without fail (see also M for Mendes).
H is for Hackett, Keith
The he man the managers all want to meet. Mediawatch's Hackettwatch campaign
has done a great job of observing how managers want to explain calmly to
Keith Hackett their observations on how they were wronged. We are still waiting
for the first boss to step up after being beaten to praise Hackett on his
referee's fine conduct. Not that the managers are bitter or anything...
...and also for Half-Time
The highlight of half-time is when the assistants plus two stewards leg it
to the referee's side. This is so they leave the pitch as a guarded unit.
I'm begging them one day to link arms and then kick legs while the PA at
the ground plays the Can-Can.
I is for Injury-Time
This used to be added on at the ref's discretion, but now is held up by a
man with a board (see F for Fourth Official) with the sole purpose of irritating
the loud bloke who stands near me, who cries, "this is a long three
minutes!" about two-and-a-half minutes into added time, and completely
misunderstands the concept of the phrase 'a minimum of'. Especially amusing
when the ref conveys the numbers in that peculiar manner, turning into
a human well pump.
J if for Junior
If you want to be become a top-flight official, it makes sense that you start
learning as a junior, as it'll take you a while to climb that ladder. Don't
worry about your age. Trust me, officiating games full of blokes fresh out
of the pub, weighing 20 stone and in a league 27 divisions below the Isthmian
Premier is a doddle. They'll respect you only being 17, honest...
K is for Kick-Off
Get both watches ready, check with both keepers, then your assistants, then
with the man on the touchline who tells you whether Sky are back from adverts,
then wait for Mickey's hands to reach the top...and away we go.
L is for Late
For some reason, the average fan/player's biggest source of loathing is the
late flag. "That was a bit late linesman," they say. The rule to
remember is that a late, correct flag is always better than a quick, incorrect
one. 'That was a bit late' is right up there with 'where was the daylight?'
and 'if you raise your hands' as irritating Pundit-isms that haven't been
properly researched.
...and also for Laws
One for the pedants, as whenever someone claims that a referee 'doesn't know
the rules' one can turn to the bounder and state 'they are laws, not rules'.
...but not for Linesman
Grrrr...learn you nothing, child? See 'A' for Assistant then report to matron...
M is for Myopia
Allegations of poor vision have dogged officials for many years. Credit then,
must go to the Scottish football officials, who were sponsored by Specsavers
in 2002 and continue to be sponsored by the opticians. Brilliant stuff.
...and also for Mendes
Whether it involves Joey Barton, Ben Thatcher or Roy Carroll, the presence
of Portugeezer Pedro Mendes will ensure the official has an eventful afternoon.
In the case of Thatcher's involvement, he should only be booked, no matter
that he has just committed possibly the worst foul in the history of mankind.
According to Dermot Gallagher.
N is for Newell
Quietly spoken, genial Luton boss Mike Newell is known for his tolerant attitude
towards his chairman, agents, foreigners and birds reffing men's games and
that.
O is for Offside
http://www.thefa.com/TheFA/RulesAndRegulations/FIFALawsOfTheGame/Postings/2002/05/12115.htm
Just look it up.
...and also for Opinion
The laws are littered with the phrase 'in
the opinion of the referee'. This is a very dangerous way to write laws,
as it allows whistle-blowers who have never played the game to cock it
up, and ex-pros whose day is long gone to talk rubbish.
In my opinion.
P is for Passive (see also A for Active)
Passive refereeing is very bad for you, as it can lead to long-term respiratory
illness. This is why from July 2007 there will be a refereeing ban in pubs.
Also something to do with Offside.
...and also for Poll
Used to be a good referee before he grew an ego, 'Our Graham' represents
us in World Cups. About as well as Frank Lampard does.
Q is for Quick One
Not what you are thinking, Madam. I was thinking of something Ryan Giggs
may enquire of a referee before taking a speedy free-kick. Which is absolutely
brilliant. Not just because it was a terrific goal, but because it got the
French all upset. Not like them to surrender just before the end, of course...
R is for Red Card
Issued for an act of violent conduct, serious foul play, spitting at someone,
denying an obvious goalscoring opportunity, using offensive or insulting
or abusive language and/or gestures. This law is followed by all referees.
Players can also be issued a red card for accumulating two yellow cards.
By all referees except one. (see P for Poll)
...and also for Rules
Grrr...not again. Go to L for Laws.
S is for Sin-Bin
An idea discredited by Ref365 a long time ago, which he is gradually realising
might just work, although he retains a degree of scepticism.
A sin-bin is an idea John Nicholson is probably actively trying to sell to Edinburgh City Council. We have somewhere to put glass, paper, garden waste, trade waste etc, why not a receptacle for all things sinful?
...and also for Simulation
Probably the single biggest talking point in football today. Worth noting
the exact definition. Simulation is NOT JUST diving. Simulation is deceiving
the referee by action, so for example kidding on you've been hurt when no-one
touched you, as well as going down under no pressure.
Simulation is known as 'diving', 'cheating', 'deceiving the officials', 'play-acting'
and 'being Arjen Robben'.
T is for Technology
Another major debate - should technology be used in refereeing? In short,
humans are susceptible to failure. Technology is mooted to be used to lessen
the human failure. Technology is developed by humans. Go figure.
...and also for Traffic Lights
Ken Aston (see also C for Cards) was observing the England v Argentina game
in the 1966 World Cup when it came to his attention that Jack Charlton had
been booked, but there some confusion. He was driving and thinking about
this situation a short time later when he stopped at traffic lights and realised
that a yellow (amber) as a 'warning' and red for 'off' system could work
in football. And it does (one exception: see P for Poll). By this logic,
I can only assume the bloke who came up with the offside interpretations
stalled on a roundabout in Swindon.
...and for Tossers
All referees are Tossers. Fact.
How else do we flip a coin to decide heads or tails?
U is for Umpire
Believe it or not, football used to be 'officiated' by the team captains
who would consult each other about decisions. This didn't work in the playground,
did it? Well it didn't work in real football either, so in 1880 this was
changed so that each team would provide their own 'umpire' to officiate,
very similar to club level hockey and basketball today.
Then somehow they convinced some dozy sod who was neutral to take all the flak instead. Well done.
V is for Veteran
Although work is in progress by do-gooders (actually doing some good for
a change) to change things, referees have to retire at mandatory ages (the
age is 48 in England). Excellent officials like Paul Durkin and Pierluigi
the Cleaner have fallen foul of this. As I say, though, this is in the process
of being rectified, and special dispensation was given to 49-year-old Dermot
Gallagher. Nice to know, isn't it Pedro?
W is for Whistle
I don't normally do links, but this (http://mysite.wanadoo-members.co.uk/corshamref/sub/whistle/whistle.htm)
is well worth a look. If I ever have the time to set up a website devoted
to different tones of whistle, you can shoot me, torture me, or worse, lock
me in a room with only a 'Best of Dido' CD.
...and also for Watch
You should always wear at least two watches as a ref. One you stop and start
when necessary, and the other runs continuously so you can gauge how long
you should be playing. If you struggle, and you are at Old Trafford, a
peer of the realm will assist you. (See also F for Ferguson).
X is for eX-Pro (don't laugh, you bloody think of something beginning with
X then - refs don't play Xylophones)
There is a long debate about getting ex-pros to referee games as they know
more about the game than existing 'professional' refs. Yeah, go on then,
you convince them.
"Excuse me, Mr Shearer, now that you've retired, in your millionaire state, instead of sitting next to Hansen and speaking in cliché once a fortnight, fancy reffing in League Two for twenty grand a year?" Nah.
Y is for Yards
Easier to say ten yards that 9.15 metres isn't it? Referees judge this by
pacing out ten yards while the crowd count along, as if it is some sort of
bizarre episode of Sesame Street. Then the ref turns round to face the kick
taker and the wall edge forward again.
...and also for Yellow Card
You know, cautions are supposed to be the last warning for a player before
he is ejected from the pitch. You get ejected from the pitch when quite
frankly you can't behave properly on the field of play, because of violence
or persistent law-breaking.
Just thought I'd note this, and you can remember this fact every time someone gets booked for kicking the ball away or 'over-celebrating'. Who says the powers-that-be are losing touch?
Z is for Zzzzzzzzzz
I'll get me coat.
Double entendres
"
If he opens his legs, he'll be hard to handle." (Graham Taylor)
"
Ardiles strokes the ball like it was a part of his anatomy." (Jimmy
Magee, RTÉ)
"
I was saying the other day, how often the most vulnerable area for goalies
is between their legs..." (Andy Gray, Sky Sports)
"
The Czech Republic are coming from behind in more than one way now." (John
Motson, BBC in 27th minute of World Cup 2006 game against Italy.)
"
Gary Neville says that Porto are a bunch of girls who go down too easily." (Peter
Schmeichel)
Contradictions
"
Don't tell those coming in the result of that fantastic match, but let's
have another look at Italy's winning goal..." (David Coleman)
"
What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio." (Gerry
Francis)
"
I was in Saint-Etienne two years ago. It's much the same as it is now, although
now it's completely different." (Kevin Keegan, BBC)
"
The Baggio brothers, of course, are not related." (George Hamilton,
RTÉ)
"
What's it like being in Bethlehem, the place where Christmas began? I suppose
it's like seeing Ian Wright at Arsenal..." Simon Fanshawe (BBC Radio
Five Live)
"
The lad got over-excited when he saw the whites of the goalpost's eyes." (Steve
Coppell, BBC Radio Five Live)
"
For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow
strip." (John Motson, BBC)
"
He knows all about the Italian opposition, playing now in Turkey..." (John
Motson, BBC)
"
You need at least eight or nine men in a ten-man wall." (Mark Lawrenson,
BBC)
"
He's very quick for a man of his age. I suppose you'd call him ageless. He's
33 or 34." (David Pleat, ITV)
"
Well Clive, it's all about the two 'M's - movement and positioning." (Ron
Atkinson)
"
Neil Baker is standing on the touchline with his hands in his tracksuit bottoms
scratching his head." (Chris Kamara)
Hyperbole
"
Good evening. The game you are about to see is the most stupid, appalling,
disgusting and disgraceful exhibition of football, possibly in the history
of the game." (David Coleman, BBC, in 1962 World Cup.)
"
Lord Nelson! Lord Beaverbrook! Sir Winston Churchill! Sir Anthony Eden! Clement
Atlee! Henry Cooper! Lady Diana! Maggie Thatcher! Can you hear me, Maggie
Thatcher? Your boys took one hell of a beating! Your boys took one hell of
a beating!" (Norwegian commentator Bjørge Lillelien, after his
country's team defeated England 2-1 in a World Cup qualifier in September
1981)
Religion
"
The Saudis would struggle in Europe because of that problem with those prayers
five times a day.You don't know if they're going to turn up for training.
I'm being serious." (Don Howe)
Freudian slips
"
I'm sorry to report that there seems to be trouble in the far-right section
of the ground..." (Freudian slip, Conor McNamara, BBC Five Live)
When is a draw not a draw?
"
His reign ended with that nil-all defeat by Switzerland at Lansdowne Road." (Colm
Murray, RTÉ)
"
Poland nil, England nil, though England are now looking the better value
for their nil." (Barry Davies, BBC)
"
With news of Scotland's 0-0 victory over Holland..." (Scottish Television)
"
We thrashed Romania 0-0 in the first half..." (Kevin Keegan)
Mixed metaphors
"
Many clubs have a question mark in the shape of an axe-head hanging over
them." (Malcolm McDonald)
"
Real Madrid are like a rabbit in the glare of the headlights in the face
of Manchester United's attacks. But this rabbit comes with a suit of armour
in the shape of two precious away goals." (George Hamilton, RTÉ)[2]
"
And Cristiano Ronaldo has hit the ball with every inch of his body weight!" (Alan
Dark)
"
I think the big guns will come to the boil." (Jimmy Armfield, BBC Radio
Five Live, World Cup 2006)
"
And the Bulgarians are doing all they can here to waste ever last inch of
time in this game." (Colin MacNamara)
"
They've tasted the other side of the coin on so many occasions." (Andy
Townsend)
"
I bet Keegan will be jumping like a Jack in a Beanstalk." (Sky Sports
News)
"
We haven't had the rub of the dice." (Sir Bobby Robson)
"
They've taken the horns by the scruff of the neck." (Tony Cascarino)
Stating the obvious
"
If the ball had crossed the line, it would have been a goal..." (David
Coleman, BBC)
"
And I honestly believe we can go all the way to Wembley......unless somebody
knocks us out." (Dave Bassett)
"
A deflection - that's what changed the course of the ball." (Jim Beglin,
ITV, 2006 World Cup)
"
There's a real international flavour to this World Cup." (Jimmy Armfield,
BBC Radio Five Live, 2006)
"
It's raining very hard now and the players are getting wet." (Keith
Quinn, Television New Zealand)
"
The man [Alex Ferguson] is United. Cut him and he will bleed red." (Alan
Brazil)
Tongue-tied
"
Owen runs like rabbit chasing after... What do rabbits run after? They run
after nothing! Well, running after other rabbits." (Tom Tyrell)
"
Oh dear, his right leg collided with himself there." (Mark Bright)
"
Ian Pearce... has limped off with what looks like a shoulder injury." (Tony
Cottee)
"
Although we are playing Russian Roulette we are obviously playing Catch 22
at the moment and it's a difficult scenario to get my head round." (Paul
Sturrock)
Too soon
"
And Bonner has gone 165 minutes of these championships without conceding
a goal. Oh danger here..." (George Hamilton, RTE)
"
Only one team could win this match from here, and that's England." (Kevin
Keegan, moments before Romania scored the equalising goal, and eventually
going on to win.)
"
Will he score here? Yes." (Kevin Keegan, as David Batty began his run-up
to the penalty he missed, eliminating England from the 1998 FIFA World Cup)
A few links to Video Clips on the trials and tribulations of refereeing - How many have happened to you?
